Farewells

I’ve been down with the worst flu for the last two weeks and one night, a couple of days ago, I dreamt of him. He came back home (as if he just came back from a photo hunt) and was searching for something in our room when I woke up. At that time I realized that he couldn’t be real because he’s dead. But I ‘played along’ and helped him applying some makeup (maybe it was what he was looking for) to make him look alive. And then he seemed to get ready to go out again, so I asked, “Where are you going now?” while inside I felt really sad because I knew that he might not come back again; that this time he’s going to be dead for real. He said he was going to make a passport. And so he went. I remember thinking, “Wouldn’t everyone feel like they’re having deja vu when they hear that he passes away AGAIN?”

And then I woke up (for real), thinking “Where would he go that needs a passport?”

*

Yesterday was my daughter’s last day at kindergarten. She started (pre-)school when she was 14 months old and she’s now only weeks away from Elementary School. It actually feels kinda surreal.

And then we went home from school for the last time on the motorcycle that once belonged to her dad. We bought it right after we got married in 2003 and it was so dear to us. I decided to keep it when my husband passed away to help me with dropping/picking my daughter.

Turned out that it was really the last time because the man that I hired to drop & pick my daughter to/from school offered to buy the bike and brought it straight to his place right after he dropped us back home. My daughter cried when she heard that the motorcycle was no longer ours. It broke my heart, hearing her cry, but I knew I had to detach myself from these things that bind me to the past. I took these 3 pictures before it was being taken away. This should be enough.

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These farewells have bigger significance and impact to me that I lost appetite to do rounds of ‘farewell meetups’ with friends. If they need to see me before I go, let them make the effort. I’m saving mine for my own inner farewells.