The Heart of the Matter/The Matter of the Heart

Have you ever wanted something so bad but then decided to walk away because you thought you were not worthy to even want it? I have. Years ago, under different circumstances, there would be no stopping me from getting whatever I want. Then what’s stopping me now?

The last time I wanted something for myself, something really bad happened. There.

This is actually an act of self-punishment.

But then I walked away so far I didn’t realize I have traveled all the way back to the point of origin. What I thought I have left behind is now, once again, in front of me. It made me question my decision, retrace my steps. Am I meant to have it? Am I even allowed to want it twice? What is this, some kind of joke? A test? What is this? WHAT THE F IS THIS?!

Syntax error.

Tried to cancel. Pressed delete but nothing happened. F!

System shut down.

Couldn’t get out of bed for days.

“See? Look what it’s done to you. Just a glimpse of it and you go all the way down. Leave. LEAVE NOW!” says one.

“See? You’re no good without it. This is exactly the reason why you should go for it. Go. GO GET IT NOW!” says the other.

Maybe when I walked away, it was partly because I needed to know if it wanted me as much as I did. Maybe if I stay put now, I will see clearly which one of us is actually walking closer or away.

And maybe, this entry will make more sense if it feels the same way too.

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